This is the origin in which I started making this website.
About a year and a half ago I befriended saddleblasters, who led to become my source of incredible inspiration but also the bane of my existence. He was everything that I was inspired to be, a real life polymath, whereas I struggled constantly with learning and retention, he encouraged me and was an all around good friend.
The conflict began manifesting when saddleblasters began “having personality clashes” with all of my friends. To contextualize this, I am a single, lonely Asian American woman living in Shanghai. He is a white man with a girlfriend in Shanghai, competent in both English and Chinese, so the impact that he had by doing that was devastating, as I had very few friends and he had a huge social network. He also became increasingly depressive, resulting in me having to worry about him and do emotional labor..
This all became too much for me, but he shut down when I asked to set boundaries about his negativity, turning the blame on me. And we haven’t spoken since, as I was sobbing on the other end, he shut down, and I gloomily wat hed him blog about his life, how he read and wrote to distract himself from the sadness.
I wrote this angrily as a letter to send to him, in it you will read me pleading to compromise and resume being friends, but towards the end I declare myself as his arch nemesis. Ultimately, I decided against sending it, and wanted to be more evil. In writing the letter I discovered my tendency to be very nice and accommodating, so people tend to walk over me like a doormat, believing that I wouldn’t complain. And then I have a tendency to be not so gracious and explode, exposing my anger and discontent in one grand public display. I think I want to do something similar, so I will make a website and publish this publicly.
I felt used, as a friend, to fuel his own depression. I was used to generating drama and sad scenarios in his life. My own stories and sadness were transformed into his own stories and sadness, mere writing exercises (he didn’t publish them).. So I began feeling sad about how he may use his encounters with women to fuel his own depression and stories, rather than ever caring about them. I would become one of those women. This will ultimately lead me to rage write my blog and make my visual novel, which is a grand testament about women reclaiming their own experiences and voice on the internet.